Thrown with Great Force

I used to have a huge problem with leggings. Then for some reason I still don’t recall, I wore a pair, and I was hooked. Those things are damn comfortable. But only under dresses. They aren’t pants. They need to be covered - and not by a tight ass-hugging bebe sweater. 

I’ve been dying for the Express liquid leggings, but they’re not the type you wear under dresses, so I have ethical issues there. Yet, when I was at Express today, the sales associate was helping another customer find leggings and I jumped right in there and was all “OMG are those the liquid leggings??” and she said yes so I snatched them right up and rocked them around the fitting room - under a fun, flowy minidress.

I leave the story, empty-handed, and instantly find myself confronted with too many butts in tights, or leggings, and too short or tight sweaters or tops. It wasn’t pretty. It really wasn’t pretty when one of them jumped in the Starbucks line in front of me. Mostly, I was pissed b/c I’d been trekking all over the damn mall trying to find that place and hadn’t eaten in way too long and had a huge caffeine/hunger headache and was not in the mood to be generous with line spots. But partly, I was pissed I’d have to stand in line behind someone who obviously did not realize that leggings are not pants and should not be worn as such. 

Half an hour later, I’m finished my frappuccino, I’m seeing clearly, I’m in a much better mood. I return to Express, where my leggings and dress are on hold. The woman behind me says “Those are going to look so cute together!” I put them on. Again. And they’re cute. 

Then, things get dicey. I think, “I have nowhere to wear this in the winter. It’s not gonna happen.” But I want the leggings. So I go get a sweater. It’s not tight, but it ain’t long enough to cover the bottom half either. I put them on. I love it. 

So I go in the 3-way mirror. A girl’s standing in front of it waiting for someone, and she moves out of the way to accommodate me. I thank her and mention I’m not sure about the shiny leggings. (But I am sure. Sure I freakin WANT THEM.) She looks me up and down and says “….Are you going to, um, wear something, like, over them?” Yikes. Obviously, I was getting carried away by how sleek and shiny my legs looked encased in those leggings. To cover my ass (figuratively, cuz in real life, all I’ve got on is leggings), I tell her I have a dress I might wear with them. She nods approvingly. 

Then I say, “But I don’t think they look THAT bad like this,” like I would never plan to wear leggings with a short butt-grazing sweater but whaddayaknow now that I have them on, they look kinda good. And, as I point out, they’re actually pretty thick and not see-through. She said, “Well….they might be ok with boots.” 

I have boots. Now we’re getting somewhere. 

She continues. “And actually, you have nice legs, you could do it. Some people who, um, they, you know-” she trails off, obviously flustered about how to politely tell me, as I stand there in a pair of XS leggings, that someone who might have bigger legs should not wrap them in shiny stretch fabric. So I smile and nod and say “Yeah” like I totally understand because I do, and you know, now that you mention it, my thighs are small compared to most but they definitely are muscular and not pipe-cleaner-y like the girls rocking them in the ads, or the supermodel types I imagine wearing them, or the Gossip Girls who insist on not wearing pants. So even though the random polite girl in the fitting room said I could pull it off because I have nice legs, and even though I personally think they made my butt look damn good, I went home empty-handed. It’s the fiscally responsible thing to do. But now I want them and am suffering from non-buyer’s remorse (gets me every time) and will probably order them off the internet and not get my in-store-only discount and pay shipping, all so I can go against everything I stand for and believe in and wear shiny leggings. As pants.